Boundaries

The theme for this 34th year will be boundaries: knowing when to set and hold them; knowing when to let them down. (Admittedly, it's been a theme before.) When I used to co-teach a women's self defense class, we found that self defense was less about how to physically fend off an attacker than it was about how to prevent someone from encroaching on your space to begin with. So much of self defense is prevention, recognizing the signs of discomfort in your throat and in your chest when you don't feel safe or respected. Recognizing what you want, asking for it, standing your ground. (Thanks to my lesbian self defense teacher Judith Fein, author of How to Fight Back and Win, for this insight.) And, also, remembering to be open to vulnerability. Remembering not to be so fiercely independent as to cease letting anyone else in. Ah, balance.

In preparation for a recent trip to Israel for my brother's wedding, I was looking online for a downloadable map of Jerusalem, where I would be staying, and was struck by what the maps I found did and didn't say, by the inherently political nature of mapping supposedly physical boundaries, which are really just superimposed by the people who get to draw them. I was trepidatious to go at first. I'd been avoiding returning there for the past 15 years after having learned the other side of the story of the creation of the State of Israel as an adult - the massacre at Deir Yassin; the forced dislocation of Palestinian people whose homes were bulldozed before they could move back in - which was very much in opposition to what I'd learned at Zionist summer camp as a child, where we made Israel out of ice cream and were told that Israel was "a land without people for a people without land." And then, before going, I read The Invention of the Jewish People, a book by Shlomo Sand. Its basic thesis is that, contrary to popular mythology, there was never a mass exodus of Jews from Palestine after the Bar Kohkba Revolt in the 2nd Century CE; Jews left gradually and mixed with other groups wherever they lived. And, most of today's Ashkenazic Jews are not direct descendants of the Jews of Ancient Israel, but descendants of people who converted to Judaism in 10th century Russia. Jews do not make up an ethnicity, but a religious group, and so are not an exiled people returning to their land, as is claimed in the Israeli Declaration of Independence.

And, the inspiring part where this all leads: if Israel wants to be a real democracy it needs to give equal rights and citizenship to everyone who lives there, not just to Jews. His ideas are basic, and, according to reviews, a conglomeration of other scholars' ideas, some of which are verified and some of which are questioned. What's inspiring about the book is that an Israeli historian is trying to throw a wrench into the Zionist mythology that justifies oppressing and excluding Palestinian people, some of whom, the book claims, may have converted from Judaism to Islam in the 8th Century. Maybe if you're not Jewish this doesn't mean as much to you, but for me it was an enormous eye-opener. I'd always wondered why, if I was descended from the people of Israel/Palestine, my skin wasn't darker and my grandparents came from Russia. Why did we eat borscht and kasha instead of falafel and hummus? This book explained some of that. And so, in celebration of my 34th birthday, we feasted on the kinds of blintzes, latkes, split pea soup, borscht, and piroghis you'd find at B & H dairy on 2nd Avenue & St. Marks in Manhattan, which are the foods I associated with home, whatever that means.

As for the trip to Israel, it ended up being all right. Druze, Jewish, and Palestinian Christian and Muslim religious leaders all participated in and blessed the wedding for my brother, who does interfaith peace work in Jerusalem; it was incredible.

From Jerusalem

Ibrahim im Ahmad Abu El-Hawai, Sheikh Bukhari, Eliyahu McLean, and Orr Dalal

I felt like I could be there for my brother without having to buy into all of this stuff about Israel. People, buried on the Mount of Olives outside the Eastern wall of the Old City of Jerusalem, waiting from the grave for the Messiah to come:

From Jerusalem

From Jerusalem

Jewish-only roads leading to West Bank settlements (in the distance, center right):

From Jerusalem

It may be for some, but it doesn't have to be for me.

Noticias del Dia de Los Muertos

So much to keep track of these days. It's all I can do to keep it together. This Day of the Dead reminds me to honor my dear, departed friends by living. So, before the political gossip, let's talk about Self-Care. Every year, fall comes and turns my world upside-down, and every year I vow to be more grounded come the next fall... For whatever it's worth I do feel like I'm making some progress in that regard. This week, I read an interview with an old musician (whose name of course I can't remember). His advice: "Take care of yourself!"

What does self-care look like?
* Going for walks in the morning, or at lunchtime around the E. Bay. Went for a walk today around the new weird gated campus at my new office. Will need to do some more exploring in these coming weeks and days...
* Cooking at home as much as possible. Thanks, Erock, for the hippie taco inspiration, which lives on. (Recipe is simple, cook onions, garlic, kale, corn, cumin, add beans, heat tortillas, and serve!)

* Steering clear of sugar, wheat, flour (except corn), dairy, and other unprocessed foods (and of course meat).

* Talking, writing, creating, lesbian processing, maybe watching Glee or Rachel Maddow!

Okay, and speaking of Rachel Maddow, there was a great moment when she told this creepy lobbyist guy that he was a parasite on the American people!!! A true highlight:

Other highlights: Governor Schwarzenneger's not so coded

veto letter to Tom Ammiano (hint: the first word started with an "f", the second word started with a "you.") Well, Assemblyman Ammiano did tell the Guv to "kiss my gay ass" after showing up at a gay fundraiser when he'd oh-so-cavalierly vetoed the *entire* state HIV prevention budget.

And, after all of our trepidation about the prospects of voting for Gavin Newsom for Governor of California, he has dropped out of the race! If only Sarah Palin would do the same before 2012. Otherwise, Nurse Palin will reign supreme, as illustrated by my fabulously gay neighbors down on Arlington St.:

In the meantime, here are some pics from Mission St. on Halloween to put everything into perspective:

NASA bombed the moon and then... awkward!

Are you all watching this, too, on NASA TV? This is so random. Why spend $79 million to bomb the moon? Let's spend the $ on needle exchange! Anyway, the images didn't look like much to me, but what do I know? My favorite part was seeing the guys on computers in the control room standing up and looking around awkwardly after it was done, not knowing what to do next. One person was left hanging after trying to give another a high five. Awkward! And then the commentator saying if we don't find water it means either there isn't any, or we looked in the wrong place, or the instruments we used aren't sensitive enough. Good stuff.

Change is the only constant

I am reminded again that change is the only constant. Some highlights:

1. New nephew this week, born 9/30! Can't wait to meet him next time I'm in New York!

2. Nine laid off co-workers had their last day this week. I made a card for each of them.

3. Tsunamis and earthquakes and typhoons in Samoa, Indonesia, and the Phillipines.

4. Dear friend leaving the casa where I live. Not sure yet who will move in.

5. Due to budget crisis etc., my new commute will be 1.5 hrs. each way. If you have books to recommend during my longer train rides, let me know. I just finished reading George Soros's book on the 2008 financial crisis (which, at least in California, is not yet over). My favorite quote from the book, which sums up so much about this moment: "The fact that state intervention is always flawed does not make markets perfect."

I am reminded also of this tattoo idea I've had for a long while, about the question of strength, and whether it means dropping anchor or setting sail:

I am reminded of two wristbands a friend made me once, of the distinction between holding tight and letting go:

Addendum: A good friend has breast cancer, and could use some support. To contribute to costs for acupuncture, etc., please go to https://www.paypal.com/ and give to anandiwonder@yahoo.com.

New Fall Favorites

1) Rachel Maddow getting all silly about saying the "L" word. Of course, being a nerd, she means "Liberal" not, you know, Lesbian. Unfortunately, they cut it out of the online video and the transcript but she said something like, "Up next, Obama and 'the L word.' Oh wait, not the L word you're thinking of. I meant something else entirely." And then she put her head down and laughed. It was very charming. Anyway, here's what she was gushing about:

2) And speaking of liberals, my favorite t-shirt on a protestor at a right wing, anti-tax, anti-government, anti-Obama, anti-everything protest in Washington, D.C., September 12, 2009: "I'd rather be a right wing nutjob than a liberal with no nuts and no job."

Well, at least he had a sense of humor. It was fascinating, after eight years of anti-war protests in the streets, gawking at a right wing protest instead. What a strange reversal of roles. Particularly for a bunch of anarchists to suddenly be defending the government!

3) Some other highlights from the September 12, 2009, "Taxpayer March on Washington":

Male Protestor, white, male, late 40's, bellicosely: "Did you know you have $300,000 in debt because of the federal government?!"

Amanda, white, female, mid-30's, patiently: "Would you mind lowering your voice. We're standing right here."

Male Protestor: "You know what, you're right. I just get so passionate."

Amanda: "Well, a lot of people have debt."

Someone Else: "If Bush hadn't invaded Iraq, we wouldn't have so much debt."

Protestor: "No, I didn't support Bush either. (Something about the federal government needing to get out of our lives.)

Amanda: "What about public education?"

Protestor: "I'm for public education. We just need competition. Like here in DC, they blocked charter schools. My wife is a public teacher and she can't even get anything done."

Me: "What about the VA? Would you dismantle the VA? What about Medicare?"

Female Protestor: "I worked all my life and paid into Medicare. That's my money. Now you're going to have the government taking away my healthcare."

Me, to the Female Protestor: "No. If you have insurance, you'll be able to keep it."

Female Protestor: "Oh, no you won't!"

Me, to the Male Protestor: "Well, we get that you're against the public option. What are you for?"

Male Protestor: "If you wouldn't keep interrupting me, I'd tell you."

Me: "Okay, what are you for?"

Male Protestor: "Well, first of all, buying insurance across state lines. Now they're trying to block that!"

Me: "Fine. Sounds reasonable. What else?"

Male Protestor: "Well, now you've got me all flustered." Pauses at length, stuttering. Goes on to rail against Obama's government takeover.

Male Protestor, soon thereafter: "I can't talk to you guys. You're just too pig-headed." Marches away.

xxx

Later, on the plane back from DC, I sit next to a 50-something couple with antitax protest t-shirts, and decide to strike up a normal conversation. We talk about the weather in Houston, where they were from, and in San Francisco, where I'm from.

Me: "So, what do you do?"

Husband: "I sell tires at Sears."

Me: "How's business?"

Husband: "So-so. But my wife here works for ExxonMobil. There's always going to be money in the oil business."

Me: "Yeah. At least for another 25-30 years until the oil runs out. Then you'll have to be manufacturing soybeans or something like that."

Wife, sharply: "Right!"

(End of conversation. So much for across-the-aisle dialogue!)

4) The September 9-15, 2009, SF Weekly cover story, "The Wrong Stuff," where Mayor Newsom's former campaign managers and staffers describe their doubts about his skills as potential Governor. It's frightening, really, how consistently they describe him as lacking integrity. Again, his confessions of wanting to be president (and, I've long thought, fashioning himself after a Kennedy), just prove that he is a man more in love with the idea of being a leader than he is with leading.

More Crafts

So much of what I make is for people's birthdays, and most of what I make creatively I give away. One of the reasons I started this blog was to share my nerdy joy in making things for people I like with scissors and glue and a room full of fabric scraps and images, and to have images of things I've made. The latest:

Birthday Card for Martha, Front & Interior

Congrats to Martha for heading off towards medical school. It's exciting to see friends learn and grow and figure out what life looks like post outreach / harm reduction work.

Birthday Card for Timmee, Front & Interior

Thanks to Timmee & Billay & Hank for taking us all to Fremont for Indian food and Bollywood. Pure inspiration. Can't wait to see the next one with the tranny boy cricket player!

The challenge now is to create the structure that making a present for someone else provides to pursue other creative goals. I'm excited for my new long distance writing group with my seisi Laurie! We're going to nerd out on academic papers we're trying to write. Fun! Maybe someday you'll see here a paper on overdose prevention history in San Francisco and some lessons learned from six years of naloxone distribution at syringe exchange programs here. Who knows?

the world is upside down, but it still has crafts

HIV prevention programs, HIV counseling and testing programs, and syringe exchange programs are losing major funding ($82 million) from the State, and possibly from counties, too, once the radiation from the Governor's budget line item veto leaks out like some kind of bureaucratic Bhopal. A lot of people I know may lose their jobs. Even the heads of the California Department of Public Health said they're concerned this will lead to new HIV infections.

Enough. It's time to lift the federal ban on funding for syringe exchange AND the amendment introduced in the House that would ban funding any syringe exchange that was within 1,000 feet of any place where children congregate (playgrounds, daycare centers, etc.). I want to believe that amendment is not just a ploy so members of Congress can look like they're taking action while effectively banning funding for syringe exchanges in urban areas.

I made some crafty things recently for other people, (one it was her b'day, one it wasn't). These things still make me happy, even if (and maybe because) they're small in scope.

Office Diorama for Sy, "Ye Olde Baitline Headquarters"

Card for Danielle, Even Though It Wasn't Actually Her B'Day

In other areas of hopeful news, worker collectives in Argentina are approaching full ownership of the factories they occupied when the Argentinian economy collapsed. Maybe we can do the same thing here while we're celebrating our gay, anticapitalist love.

Comfort food for the eyes and ears on a cold and foggy summer day in San Francisco

Beautiful, sad animated video for Seventeen Years" by Ratatat. Take note of the bunnies and turtles and squirrels; they'll have their sweet justice in the end, I swear to you.

Thanks to Scout for the youtube inspiration. Here's Rufus Wainright signing Hallelujah in Ireland. Yay for the gay gays!

More on the Gavinator

Today's SF Chronicle has a great chart fact-checking the claims Newsom is making on the campaign trail for California governor: Getting Real About the Mayor's Claims.

And in case you missed it, be sure to read the New York Times Sunday Magazine's great article about all the candidates: Who Can Possibly Govern California? On the Coast of Crazy.

Adventures in NYC, Summer, 2009

Fantastic trip to NYC to see family, friends, and, most importantly, "9 to 5" on Broadway. I'd forgotten how much that movie riled me up; I had dreams of stringing certain previous bosses up by a garage opener, but was brought back to earth by my imaginary girlfriend, of West Wing, Juno, and Away We Go fame, the talented and funny and beautiful Allison Janney (right):

Next in joyful amusement was my brief affair with the crazy kitten who I've renicknamed floozie, because she was born unable to walk or see straight, and is unbelievably cute (thanks to Gretchen and Anna for taking her in!):



Then there was the craziest thing of all. Hope and I had been sitting on a bench in Cobble Hill park, observing the seventy-five plus toddlers and mothers and nannies buzzing about the playground and surrounding benches, when we decided to take a walk. Just after we got up to leave, behind us came a thunderous crack, like the splitting of an ice shelf before it cascades into the frigid sea. Down came crashing an enormous tree branch, maybe 10 feet long and 9 inches wide. Completely unprovoked by lightning nor windstorm, it fell into a crowded park and knocked a guy out. Old Italian ladies started yelling and called 9-1-1. Apparently this kind of thing had happened just a week before. When the ambulance came, the guy was taken away on a stretcher. Hope of course found a story all about it in the local news. Ah, Brooklyn.

Summer Solstice, San Francisco, 2009

Open Letter to Rachel Maddow on Gavin Newsom

May 25, 2009

Dear Rachel Maddow.

We love you. As queers of San Francisco/The Mission, we are writing to tell you that we think you are fabulous, smart, inquisitive, thoughtful, and inspiring. We watch your show online with avidity. And, as your fans, we are also offering some constructive feedback.

In your interview with Gavin Newsom, you threw him curveball questions and offered an open platform for his gubernatorial stump speech. We thought you should know better, and have attached some things to ponder when next you and he meet:

Top 10 Reasons Gavin Newsom is a Snake in the Grass and Not Queer-Friendly Even Though He Supports Gay Marriage

10. He slept with his campaign manager’s wife and then cried, “I’m an alcoholic” and checked into rehab a la Michael Richards. We believe in polyamory, but sleeping with your campaign manager’s wife is just shady.

9. He was appointed to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors by self-identified Mayor “Slick” Willie Brown (i.e., he is a product of patronage and nepotism).

8. Same as #9. See Paul Getty oil family.

7. Newsom only did the gay marriage thing at first to appease gay voters in the Castro who played a big role in getting him elected and were pissed when he neglected to mention the gay community when applauding the city’s history in his inauguration speech. (We concede he later really cared about the issue.)

6. In his campaign literature for “Care Not Cash,” Newsom misleadingly cited a New England Journal of Medicine article as proof that people on welfare spend their money on drugs. Its authors sent him a cease and desist order and he was forced to quietly trash thousands of hateful and erroneous campaign flyers.

5. Newsom ran his mayoral campaign on the heels of his successful “Care Not Cash” campaign, which took money out of the pockets of homeless people. While he claims the program has been a success, there are more people homeless than before; participants report panhandling because the program cut their cast benefits to $59/month; and the housing offered by the program was procured largely by displacing other poor people from single-room occupancy hotel rooms in the Tenderloin, where it can be hard to stay off drugs or feel safe for residents.

4. While Newsom is out parading about his success at creating universal healthcare, services are being slashed in the midst of a budget crisis. The economy is not his fault, but he could at least show up to budget hearings.

3. Under his watch, San Francisco was turned into a playground for increasingly rich, white people – the black population is dwindling to zero and his policies have sided with private developers time and time again. Now, ugly, expensive lofts sit empty while the exodus of people of color continues, evictions soar, and homelessness grows.

2. If you observe closely, you will see that Gavin Newsom is in love with the idea of himself as a leader, but he does not actually effectively lead.

1. Gavin Newsom wears excessive amounts of Pomade. While we like this in butches and drag kings, it makes him look like a creep.

Yours,

The Residents of Richlandia

p.s. If you don't believe us, check out the S.F. Bay Guardian's article, The Two Newsoms

My Vision for the United States in 102 words

Sent to then President-Elect Obama's vision page at www.change.gov/, November 11, 2008.

100% of young black and Latino men graduate high school. Prisons and jails close for want of boarders. University rolls swell. Needle exchange programs are federally funded. The rights and dignity of drug users are respected. Public health and public safety work hand in hand. Drug treatment is available on demand. Housing is affordable and accessible. As my State's hepatitis coordinator, I receive calls from people who are no longer uninsured, and who, for the first time, have access to health care for hepatitis B & C. And, while I choose not to marry, as a gay person, it is my right.

springtime turns into summer, 2009

Chinatown, San Francisco, Summer 2009

Sacramento, Springtime, 2009

Holly Hill Park, San Francisco, Spring, 2009

More on Marilynne Robinson

At an event of City Arts and Lectures, October 27, 2008, at the Herbst Theatre in San Francisco, I had the pleasure of asking Marilynne Robinson this question:

“My favorite line from Housekeeping is, ‘When she had been married a little while, she concluded that love was half a longing of a kind that possession did nothing to mitigate.’ Can you talk about longing and solitude in all of your books?”

Here was her response: “Hm. Interesting. I really think. I mean, one of the reasons that I write is that it feels to me as if there is a, you know, there is a frustrated richness in experience. And I know that that’s kind of. I think that we know more than we can convey, that we hope for more than the world can satisfy, that we are in a certain sense creatures of greater depth than the world can answer to.

And that’s why I like string theory ha ha. I mean, the idea that science can actually affirm in its way the possibility that there is a greater sort of depth and density in existence itself than our senses allow us to apprehend. This, to me, feels deeply consistent with other intuitions that I have about the world.

I think that one of the things that is interesting about any art, and about the reception of any art, is that when you listen to beautiful music or when you read a moving book it’s almost as if it awakens recognition in you, as if the emotion that it stirs pre-exists your experience of it, but you would never know that if it were not for the art.

And so it’s like there’s some paradox about our being very deep creatures, very emotionally rich creatures, who nevertheless are dependent on one another for access to what is most interior to ourselves. So, longing seems to me a sort of metaphor for a much deeper state of attention, and expectation almost, that people live with continuously and never satisfy.”